See, I work for the surgeons office, hell I helped build this program from the ground floor... I guess that's why it took me sooooo long to decide, try everything I could on my own first. I am in the hot seat from 7:30 in the morning to after 5 pm at night at the office. I have breakfast at the office due to my morning medication and not being able to eat for an hour afterwards. So I bring my protein shake to work, pack my mozzarella stick for morning snack, my lunch a protein and veggie, afternoon snack, granola bar. People watch what I eat...I feel like an ant in an Ant Farm. One of the surgeons that other day leaned over the lunch table to check out my plastic bowl of stir fry veggies and chicken from the evening before, making the comment "just checking" Or there is the random, "how much have you lost pre-op?" and I mumble my number, cringing that I am being compared to someone else.... On the bright side of that the number is always lower than the number before...not by much but lower... Thank goodness.
I guess it has it's merits, keeps me in check, accountable. When people bring in goodies, I try to keep a mile between myself and the "off limits area", don't want people to think I am not in control.
At the nutritionist office, I like the one NP, she is nice and encouraging and always full of positive support. The other lady is like the "Soup Nazi", I sit in her office scared stiff about what she is going to find wrong with my food journals, I saw her today... Ugg, I enjoy her about as much as a dead frog. Not to mention when she talks she closes her eyes. Wigs me out. She makes me second guess myself and then I start to let the fear's start talking.
- what if I go through all this and I don't lose weight...I'll be a laughing stock
Ok, I know that is highly unlikely, Ive been on board after board and as long as I follow the plan, surgery is a tool.
- what if I have the shortest honeymoon phase in the history of surgery and I don't lose enough
I know also very unlikely, but this is my fear talking...jerk Need to beat him back in the recess of my mind. Honeymoon phases generally last from 6 months to a year after surgery and this is when you need to really limit your carbs and get into a good exercise routine. Because this is when your body is ready to shed the weight, just like gravity, your body will catch up to what your body had gone through and adjust.
- I have been trying not to draw attention to myself for years, I will hide behind people to not be seen
Now lets face it, people are going to be commenting, asking questions and I am the queen of avoidance. I would like to think I will handle it with grace and a smile, but even now thinking about it leaves my stomach in nervous knots. In public, I hide behind my husband, I never have to talk, because he is the REAL LIVE chatty Cathy doll, only really,he's a chatty chuck doll... I just have to stand there and smile, node my head, and I like it that way. If I am with a crowd I know, I am totally different, talk, walk and the whole shebang.
- What if I have some crazy complication that screws up another part of my life..
I know life is a crap shoot... and people spend way too much time worrying about things that are likely never to happen. A complication of being overweight could just as well screw up part of my life too.
- What if my husband, doesn't like the looks of the new me?
Lets face it he married me a chubster. He knew what he was getting then. Yes, we talked and talked and talked again, about this one. And he has reassured me for the 100th time that "our feelings for each other" aren't going to change just because my dress size does.
- What if I don't like the looks of the new me?
She isn't going to be the me of twenty years ago, I mean a lot of sh*t has happened to this woman in the last twenty three years... I am sure there will be lines and battle scars, I just hope I recognize her.
Ok enough, lets shove these damn fears back in the crappy jack-n-box they popped out of. Tomorrow is another day, thank god, I don't have to face toad lady tomorrow.